Found him? Kate paused for a moment tilted her head to the side and looked at Peter for a moment out of shock. Wait. Wait. Wait. He had left her to go follow some kind of revenge path? He had gone off on some revenge mission despite everything she had heard about him. Kate paused and looked down and she felt everything collapse in around her, like that moment on the footage of a demolition where you could pin point when the explosives blew out the foundations and the whole structure went straight down. “So..you were too busy filling some kind of revenge driven vendetta to have time for me?” It sounded selfish when she put it that way but she didn’t care, he was meant to be the one person that she could be selfish about…that she could have those flaws with…right?
If Clint hadn’t barrelled in she was pretty sure she would have broken in that moment, would have let the tears fall but there was a distraction in the room. He was pissed off, Kate could feel it radiating off him…he walked straight over, punched Peter in the face before speaking and walking straight back out again. Sure they always said that they had each others backs, that they were two Hawkeyes in it together but still she hadn’t expected him to do that, hell she honestly had been wondering lately if he even noticed something was happening between Kate and Peter. She just watched the space where he had been before looking at Peter and frowning slightly.
“I’m gonna go ahead and say you kinda deserved that.”
At first he was surprised to see Clint barge in, but then it hardly phased him at all. How could he be surprised by this? He knew they were practically family. If this was some girl from his high school with an older brother then he would have gotten the same reaction most likely. But this wasn’t—these were trained superheroes that he had come to know.
He saw it coming—his spider-sense tingled and everything. When he was in danger there was no way that it wouldn’t have. Instead of trying to get out of the way, though, he took it, knowing damn well that he deserved it. He had gone on a petty revenge trip, being completely closed off to the rest of the world when he had done it. Not even Aunt May.
After he had gotten clocked, he lifted his hand to rub his face gingerly, nodding slowly. “—I know. I did.” he mumbled. “I deserved it. If you want to push me out of this window I’d understand that, too.”
He was going to shake his head but that made his face throb in pain. “I’m not proud of what I’ve done at all. I…I didn’t even call Aunt May of all people. I hit a dark place and couldn’t get out of it, and it was stupid because it was me being selfish for all the wrong reasons. Look—I’m not seeking your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. I just wanted you to know how deeply sorry I am. Even though I know it’s not enough.”
That is true, though I’m sure it will hurt just as much. This is more about a stress relief for me than retribution for you, anyway.
—right. You’re right.
May I interchange this one punch for one kick?
—whatever fills your heart’s desires.
I’ll be sure to make use on that when least you expect it.
Ah—You can’t…do that. I’ll know when it’s coming.
She trembled, looped her hands together in front of her and just looked at him for a moment. There he was with his stupid face, his stupid hair, his stupid eyes and she fucking hated the way he looked at her. Only not really. Kate felt that lump in her throat again, she didn’t want to look at his face right now, she was pretty sure that she couldn’t find herself saying no to him. He seemed a little confused, like he didn’t understand what on earth had happened, of course he didn’t. He hadn’t been here, he hadn’t found Clint the way she had, he hadn’t had Loki in his head.
“What…then what was so bad that you haven’t been around?” He said he wanted to be with her, that he didn’t want to leave but he had and Kate couldn’t fit the two together in her head again. What on earth did that even mean. “You’re going to have to help me here Peter because I don’t understand what is going on…” he kept saying it but, then again this showed otherwise. It was a strange turn of events really, first Patriot ran away and now Peter had disappeared…Kate didn’t know how to take that. In all honest this was a mine field to navigate and she had no idea where to start. “If you cared so much…why the silence?” She asked, her eyes starting to burn like she was about to burst in to tears. No this was not how she had planned to handle this. Kate planned to be sarcastic, she was going to knock him in place and yell at him and tell him all this crap about how he was a dick but nope. Didn’t work that way.
—I found him.
[Peter lifted his gaze slowly. It was one of those things where even after all he had been through, when this man’s face was seen, it made him nearly blind with rage.]
I found the man the killed Uncle Ben.
[Even if this was his reason, that still didn’t make it okay. His inner demons couldn’t surpass the literal demons that haunted her in his absence. He lowered his head once again, shaking it from side to side. He continued to explain, even though he felt that it wasn’t worth it.]
I followed him and it…got out of hand. So I couldn’t call—It’s a lame excuse, and nothing’s gonna make up for it, but—dammit, I’m so sorry, Kate. I’m so so sorry.
She paused….watched and listened to him for a few moments before shaking her head and pacing her room for a moment. she didn’t want to listen to him, listen to his excuses, she had got though the last few weeks without him, she was okay without him right? Yeah she had Clint and Natasha and no one had said anything but she was sure they thought that something was going on. Kate bit the inside of her cheek, god she wanted to cry, she couldn’t deal with this right now. Sure she could deal with bad guys but having to deal with relationships and the like was horrific. She couldn’t tell people what she thought, didn’t know how to tell Peter what was going though her head…which involved shoving him off her window ledge.
Instead she turned, slowly drew the window up and just looked at him for a moment. She didn’t want to break up with him, she kinda…really liked him but at the same time, what was the point of being with him if he ran away from her? “What did I do that made you not want to be around me?” She asked, her voice wavered, had she dumped too much crap on him? Had she been too clingy wanting him there when Clint had got hurt? Kate had no idea what on earth had made him just vanish. “How could you just leave Peter?”
[When she opened the window he flipped over so he could be kneeling on her window sill despite how uncomfortable it was. Who knew how much pain she went through while he was gone? That look on her face crushed him, and his first instinct was to reach out for her, but he doubted that she wanted him to touch her. So instead his hands rested awkwardly in his lap, trembling a bit from his own emotions bubbling over.]
You? Not be around you? You think that I would—[He paused, having to stop himself. She probably thought all kinds of bad things about him since he had virtually disappeared for almost a full month.] You didn’t do anything Kate. This has nothing to do with you. I wanted to be with you—I still want to be with you.
[A hand ran through his hair, stopping in the short mess that it was.] You could never do anything that would push me away from you. All of this is my fault.
—as if I’d use the front door when it means death for me.
[quietly crawls down the outside wall and knocks on her window]
Kate paused for a moment, watched the window and crossed her arms. “Weeks, nothing, text then you don’t even have the manners to come in though the front door?” Like hell she was opening the window now.
[In all honesty he was surprised she was even agreeing to see him at all. He was so exhausted and worn out that he felt like he could collapse at any minute, but even he believed that no matter what he told her it just wouldn’t be enough. He buried his face in his hands for a moment, using just his feet to hold himself against the wall, then leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the window.]
I’m so….sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m the worst. I can’t—I shouldn’t even be allowed to see you. If you want to break up with me, I understand. You deserve way better than me. Even if I told you what I was doing it just wouldn’t be right. I’m awful.